she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
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Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
🍞🦆
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
PLEASE READ
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
twitter is a journey
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….