a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Have kids, they said
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
When can I start eating bats again.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.