According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
getting corrected
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.