Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
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Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I hope they boil the right one.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
me and my fake scenarios
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF