Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed