@FreckleMcPickle: Been married so long it's almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he's even gonna make it to 1st base.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife's friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
@the_gramble: Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
@FrenulumBreve: [Man in restaurant] I'll have that lobster please. *points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
@OBiiieeee: Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.