@FreckleMcPickle: Been married so long it's almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he's even gonna make it to 1st base.
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@Love_bug1016: If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
@EricBedner: "Bye, losers." *puts on motorcycle helmet and sunglasses* *rides unicycle into an elevator* "Can you push the button for the lobby please."
@Mr_Kapowski: "Don't tell me how to raise my cat!," I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who's chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat's mouth