Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
You Might Also Like
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.