Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
You Might Also Like
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?