my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
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What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*