Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
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Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles