Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.