You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.