You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
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If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”