Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes