Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
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Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY