*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”