*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
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Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
best review i’ve ever seen
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before