Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
You Might Also Like
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
What the hell happened here.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
how it started vs how it ended
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now