‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
#SuperBowl
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
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if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.