Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
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My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
i’m sure it’s fine
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”