*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Ghost costume 😂
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?