@briancthayer: *licks excess icing off mixer & spoon* Wife: Aww, thanks hun! Me: For what? W: Doing my dishes! M: Oh, I didn-- W: ... M: You're welcome.

@ComedicBust: Me: Ugh, there's always issues with the wifi! Mexican grandfather: When I was 6, I fought a pack of wolves crossing the border to America.

@SBinLondon: Best thing I've seen on Facebook all day: "I thought Ariana Grande was a font."

@KalvinMacleod: If there's one thing children have taught me it's how to count down from 5 while pretending there's a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

@Weird_Rash: Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?