When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
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*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
*puts words between two asterisks*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?