waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
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My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’