Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
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Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them