Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
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[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Sharon I have some bad news
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery