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If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.