Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!