Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
You Might Also Like
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.