@Elizasoul80: Bees aren't disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.
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@Blondiethegood: There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else's house.
@HeMightBeJason: Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it's burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth. I'm a goddamn genius.
@trentistweeting: [feeding baby] Here comes the plane! *baby swallows food* wow you just ate everyone on board. way to go you little jerk
@GeriatricBeards: [Being kidnapped] Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome kidnapper: its been 10 minutes me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?