Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
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Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
How I’d get arrested…
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another