*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
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every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Stonehinge
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.