Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
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Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Are you ok, human???
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life