Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Pretty much. 🤣
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.