before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
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Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
me after eating Cheetos
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.