Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
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[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
The pasta is now
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house