Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
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Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.