Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
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*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos