I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
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The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.