Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.