Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
You Might Also Like
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it