Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
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Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish