The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Finally, an explanation.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.