Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
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Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
My favorite type of men is ramen.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song