before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
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[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS