before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
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A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Anyone want a chair?
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone