before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
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*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related