before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?