Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
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What about second breakfast?
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
ok like just. call me at this point
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.