Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
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The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.