Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
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My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
men are simple creatures
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.