Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”