@KevinFarzad: Before college I didn't have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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@i_zzzzzz: Good slumber party questions: - What's the furthest underground you've ever eaten a burger - How many necks have you touched - What's pesto
@PastorBate: I've been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn't say not to do that.
@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength? ME: I’m good at untying knots INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
@QwertyJones3: "See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today." -Oh really? Why? "Because I lost my tennis racquet."